ROANOKE, VA – After local grandmother “Granny Mabel” liked a “Make America Great Again” minion meme on Facebook, she noticed an immediate spike in traffic on her one-way rural street. Sources confirm that her suspicions grew when a flower delivery van, a plumbing van and a cable van all parked in front of her residence, although she did not call any of them.
“Styles come and go so fast these days – three different vans, but all these boys have matching crew cuts and wraparound sunglasses!” Granny Mabel has described what she saw looking through her blinds during her weekly phone call with her grandson.
The names of the companies printed on the vans would have been “Fast Business Internet”, “Flowers by Ivan” and “Totally Real Plumbing Business“.
“She admired the clean new vans, but I became concerned when she noticed they were all driven by military-aged men talking into headphones.” Grandma Mabel’s grandson Nick spoke to reporters, confirming that his grandmother’s street only had 3 neighbors within an 8km radius, making the spike in activity particularly notable.
As of press time, there was a knock on Grandma’s door and she invited over 17 “nice young men” wearing aviator goggles for cookies.
The California Dream isn’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:
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